Its My Fault. Me and Neuroses and Social Media.

https://youtu.be/SRPFAhOHtcc

-I've been using dating apps on and off since 2013, and from 2013-2016, they were great. Met a couple of amazing women and had a great time with them. Both of those relationships ended because I was traveling. In hindsight, novelty is overrated, and I shoulda stayed put, but choices happen.

-Social media and dating apps both turned awful in 2016, I'm gonna skip talking about why that happened and before I get into this, I have to admit that a large part of this issue is definitely me. Its mostly my fault. I'm not blaming dating apps or a rapidly changing culture or a homogenous population of women pressured by social media. Its my fault.
-Everything I'm about to say is anecdotal, but since 2016, I've only met women who, what's a polite way to put this? They've been-unmanaged? No. I'm not using doublespeak. Neurotic is the only honest word. All of them have been neurotic, and they didn't hide it for very long at all. 3 months used to be the standard. We met each other's representatives for 3 months, then the whole, real person was unveiled after that. But now, I can't get through 3 dates without managing a meltdown over an oak tree. More on that in a minute.

-I often wonder if its only neurotic women left on dating apps, or if women are driving themselves nuts with the social pressures of social media? Maybe its decision fatigue and overstimulation? I don't have any certainties, but all of these things are definitely factors, but it's mostly just my fault. I attract neurotic women because, when you're a man with a schizoaffective mother, and you're patient and understanding of these issues, neurotic people can smell it on you, and inevitably, you're patient and understanding and allow them to represent themselves and everything is fine until you realize that you are now responsible for their dysregulated technicolor ping pong ball emotions.

-Now, a fun and specific example: A few years ago, I attracted the king kong reigning champion of neuroses. This woman had a profound effect on me. That is really saying something. She's a queen of queens.

-This gal exhibited some odd behavior initially, but she was quirky and nerdy and I'm not one to pass judgement for someone being odd because I'm odd. Shes also left handed, and I write with my left hand, so I understand that our minds work inside out compared to righties. But, technically, I'm both handed.

-Outside of these odd little things in the beginning, she was the funniest and most charming woman I'd ever met. I mean, she put energy into charm and humor, which was amazing, but it confused me. I didn't know what to make of it, but I liked it, but it was odd. 

-Typically, women just make themselves available, because that's all that's necessary. I eventually found out that the charm was a hook, and it worked, because I'm not very smart.

-Then she stopped taking her Wellbutrin around the 3 month mark, and by that time, the sunk cost fallacy had kicked in. She got real wacky, real fast. I feel quite stupid and ashamed of myself for dealing with it for as long as I did. But the experience taught me a lot and I wouldn't change it. 

-The thing that ended it was a tree. You heard that correct. An oak tree that is well over a hundred years old. Why do volatile people always pick fights over the dumbest things? Every time someone loses their mind, its a totally inconsequential problem. 

-We went to this tiny park in her city and all that's in it is a giant old oak tree. She tells me about how this girl inherited this house, and the massive oak tree began to grow into the foundation of the house and destroy it, but the girl let it, because she liked the tree more than the house and wanted it to live. Then the girl donated the place to the city. Very nice thing to do.

-While the neurotic gal I was dating at the time was telling this story, I read the little placard in the park to get more information about the place, and neurotic gal accused me of ignoring her. I rattled off whatever she just said to prove I was, in fact, listening to her, but proof was not enough, because she does not reside in reality. She accused me of one upping her because, right before that, I'd shared an anecdote about the giant oak tree in my back yard when I was little, and how, a few years ago, I drove past the place and it was gone. Because that's how people connect, sharing stories. I've never one upped anyone in my life because I'm not some hyper competitive person that's constantly positioning for power. I try my best to connect with people.

-In reality, the gal I dated felt ignored, so she started making shit up to start a fight with me so she could extract attention from me. That was the thing I didn't understand at the time. When she got wacky, it was always about extracting attention. The thought never occurred to me because I'm a very engaging person. She was not ignored or neglected by any stretch of the imagination. Anyway, that stupid fuckin tree story was the end of the line. I tried talking to her about it, but that was a waste of time. A tree.

-The hardest part to swallow was that she doesn't experience empathy. Its all performative. She's incapable of giving a damn about anyone. She's the only person in her world.

-The positive side is that, afterward, I took a hard look at myself, and recognized why I was attracted to that, and how I got myself mixed up in it, then devised methods to make sure that it never happens again. 

-Here's a few of the safeguards I've put in place since then:

-First, I get to know women in a strictly friendly way. No sex, no creating any sort of emotional experiences for them. I'm a very silly person, but I don't get silly until I know someone a bit. All you're getting is just plain John. 

-Why would I do this? Because I'm not interested in seduction, I'm not interested in selling a fantasy. Seduction and fantasy end, fast. I'm selling who I am on the average day because I want a lasting relationship, and I ain't gonna get it by creating a gargantuan, fantastical, emotional experience that I can never live up to. Sure, you can seduce someone with that, but all it does is create unrealistic expectations. More on that in a second. I'm not saying I'd never turn up the charm or create emotional experiences, but I am saying that I must see all sides of the person before I invest that into the relationship.

-Most of the time, relationships are plain, boring, run of the mill, everyday life. I am representing myself as accurately as I possibly can on dates, because that's who's gonna show up, every time. I'm not a performer, and even if I were, I can't be "on" all the time.

-In addition to being my honest, boring self on dates, there are a few little tests I've devised:

-First, I ask them what they want out of a romantic relationship. If she can't answer that, at best, she doesn't have any idea what she wants. In reality, that means she's going to create expectations, she's not going to communicate them, then she's gonna get upset with me when I don't live up to expectations I never knew existed because all of her processes are covert. Expectations must be communicated in advance. Otherwise you're just going to be disappointed all the time, and eventually, that disappointment is going to turn into contempt. I don't enjoy doing this because there has to be some magic involved in building a relationship and this process steps on it by revealing the exchange, but if you can't answer a basic question, or don't know what you want, I'm out, because relationships are mostly not magic. 

-Second test, I say "No" to something very early. If she can't take hearing "no", she can't be trusted. On the other side of that coin, if she can't say no to me, she can't be trusted. 

-Third, I share this quote: "If you can't be happy washing dishes, you can't be happy." Her reaction tells me everything. This has nothing to do with the dishes, and everything to do with how someone looks at life.
-I'm not saying you should do this yourself, however, I am saying that you should learn from my mistakes, and be very discerning when meeting people. Friends, lovers, whatever. When you welcome every person who's interested into your life, one of them will inevitably try to consume you. This was my big lesson from dating tree gal. Be discerning. 

-My second big lesson was that I can't see any relationship clearly when I'm constantly reacting to the person. I have to step away to get a clear view. Can't see the forest with the gigantic, neurotic oak tree right in front of you. 

-Truthfully, I'm certain that my methods are stupid and pointless and I should abandon them. But I'm too scared of getting intertwined with a crazy person again, so I'm taking my sweet time and being boring and keeping my pants on for now. I'll wind up meeting someone and things will click and I'll forget about all my nonsense at some point anyway.

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